being a escapist

Everytime I am tired of something, stressed about something I will keep to myself and furthermore aggrevate the situation (and my mental state) by asking questions like why it happened.. why did i do that.. all that kind of thing.

After which, the ending is always a break away from whatever it is I am stress/tired or just simply dont want to care anymore. the excuse never fails to be..

"i need time to recuperate." from whatever it is im facing problems now.

sometimes i think to myself and picture myself as a escapist in my own world. but when im faced to make such decisions with other involved, im usually the one who initiate the solution or ask to have the responsibility lands on me. im never the escapist in front of people, i guess.

and it is time like this that you find me totally uncontactable. i wouldnt answer phone calls (or disconnect it immediately if i accidentally accepted the call by mistake)/ refusal to reply to any sms or msn received.

there are times when im out with my friends and i refused to pick up calls, even though we're gonna meet in 5mins. its not anything but i just feel tired to even exchange conversation anywhere.. even for 1sec.

i dont know if its because i've been so used to becoming the better ones, stronger ones in the clinques i've been that it is weird that all i want is to look small and average in front of people as well.

i feel helpless and weak too. even if you can't see it. and i would appreciate it greatly if you would, allow me to smoothen out my thoughts and feelings alone rather than forcing me to open up and show my strong front, at the very wrong time.

i am not your superwoman, ok?