Craps.

It is hard for me to blog this out, for I am not the person to talk about feelings and expressions. Perhaps I am one who can't even convinces myself sometimes so to talk about true feelings and expressions, its even harder for me to judge if im lying or telling the truth.

Thats why I prefer to keep it under wraps and keep it hidden.

Keeping it under wraps isnt a difficult thing to do.. trying to make it work is. If I dont want anyone to know and i dont care, I could just tell the person and say "see, i don think you're the priviledged one to know how i feels so fuck off." but you know something they call relationships? To avoid this fragile invisible string from breaking (which exists in families, friends and even strangers) you've got to put on a smiley-face approach which makes me tired so people wont bug you further and irritates you which makes you have to go thru another round of smiley face.

All i want to say is, I am really taking you as a really good friend thats why I'm bothering to get a day out with you. If you're always rushing for time when we have to get out, i'd rather we not get out. If you're always not available, then I'll stop trying. If you're slotting me in between spaces of your fun time, then I won't want to get out.

I know that sounds bad, but bad is not the word to describe when you mention that dinner should be quick because well.. you're rushing for time. Despite me setting a date with you two weeks earlier so you have nothing on. The word that can replace bad is the word "sad" and despite me trying to be nice and everything I don't think I can tolerate being so and thats why I'm blogging it out here.

I don't know if you're reading this or what you will think of me after reading this. Honestly I won't say I don't care, because I do, but rather at the moment I want to put me above you. Above everyone else. I'm sicked of being the nice happy charps who laugh everything off because I don't really feel like laughing them off but rather fight them off.

Friends, friends, friends. Blardy friends. If I have a wish I'd wish for myself to wake up to my fucking sense and stop being such a 'forgiving, unpetty and happy-go-lucky' person as a buddy describes. Because, the forgiving,unpetty and happy-go-lucky me is having a latrine built on top of my head and everyone's pulling them shit off me!

BASTARDS.

and yes, I'm feeling so damn crappy now.