I wish it is over but sometimes..

My mind's been processing a lil weirdly of late. It seems occupied but somehow always manage to find some empty moments and start thinking of weird things that not even I can apprehend.

Ok, maybe I am stupid ok? :D

I haven't been to cell group meeting nor church services for 2 weeks straight and though I'm feeling guilty for it, i think i won't be attending it for some time. Not yet till I'm done moving my house and the various issues which is bothering me. Like work. Arrg. Boss doesn't have a replacement so I'm stuck working for the whole weekends, starting friday evening (for almost a month now.)

Was chatting with mom over her friend who is bawling her heart out because her husband wanna ditch her and actually went to apply for divorce w/o her knowledge! Worst of all is her daughter actually conspired to make her sign on the papers w/o telling her anything (she's iliterate). 

She doesn't mind the fact that the husband doesn't loves her anymore, but just to stay as a family but i guess the guy just can't see her point. Sigh.

When will these people who are blind in their hearts start to see some truth?

 

Then out came a shocking news from mom.  Apparently my uncle(the Male Chanuvist Pig) called up my bro's close friend last time when my brother was in this stage when he's really crazy. As in, he'd kick a fuss out of everything. Thinking everyone's at home is against him and venting his anger at everyone when all of us meant him well or with no ill intent.

I never knew my brother would think this way that .. my parent's failed marriage is to be blamed onto my mother. I'm not ashamed to say this, but my mom was a beer promoter last time when we're younger. She quitted the job during my secondary school years and got a day time job for herself.

I don't know what's the big fuss about, what to be ashamed about my mother who is earning a decent earning from working so hard everyday. We never had any problems with her job before so I was kinda puzzled.

Maybe it's because my mother initiated the divorce first. She initiated the divorce not because she has another guy outside(which my brother thought so. SIGH!) but because my father had been rather abusive towards her and unreasonable to the extent that I didn't want to speak to him too.

I mean, comeon.. wake up la. You're not working, your wife's the breadwinner and you're not helping out with anything. Then you have the cheek to beat up your wife, go drinking and smoke your days away as if you're some tau kay?

Woots. That's baffling. So my mom kind of lose it and decided once and for all.. But she did told us beforehand and asked us if we're agreeable.

I don't deny that I was kinda stressed out by it too but at least I know that time can heal the wound. At least this is the best that can happen. Can you imagine if my mom didn't took that step, she'd still be living with a monster like my father now?

And ya know what, it took me a long long time before I can refer him as my father again. I think if I am to face him now, I still won't be able to call him pa again, let alone be as close and affectionate to him as before.

I remember the times when my father and I would stay home to watch the saturday night show, we'd go on and on discussing about the people and my father would always be drinking kopi and smoking while i cover my nose or run back to my room sometimes(because I've had asthma when im younger. will get irritated by the smoke.) Then I'd remember the times when its our birthday (anyone in the family) and we'd have this small but cosy dinner at east coast, with our favorite drunken prawn and black forest cake. Sometimes my father would piggyback me, sometimes he would hold me in his big palm and we'd walk the beach together with my mom and brother (though i really wish to smack him for his lies last time)

But when the bad things start to happen, I guess people just don't wanna bring up the good things before. I no longer see my father came home at 5.30pm sharp, smoking his cigarette watching the tv and reading the newspaper with his thick spectacles. I no longer hear him shouting for us to go and sleep at 10pm while he continue to watch tv(DUH!) and i'd hide behind my door peeping until mom comes home and ask me to hide no more. Then I'd come out with a sheepish grin and my father would go "you nvr sleep again!"

And when he tells me on the phone in a matter of fact tone that he really don't care about us and values money over us.. I lost it. I started hating him and everything. How could he do this to us?

Until recently then I realized maybe he's not that bad afterall. He's just weak. Weak in resisting temptations. Weak in his will. He was once a good father. A good husband. How could that man be bad in the first place?

Aiyo. And because of that chat with mom, I'm feeling all emo-ed again with the memory flowing back to me, the bad and good ones. But I guess its time for me to be stronger than before and stop dwelling on it. DUH!

OUT!

Charps.