What's past.... is past and old wounds sometimes still hurts.

These days, I've been really efficient at work and I've been trying to incorporate more sports into my general mundane life to spice things up a little. All good, had a game of badminton over the weekend and went for sprinting this morning under the void deck.

I had wanted to do stair climbing but got myself scared outta shit as I climbed from the 1st to 8th floor all the while remembering the handyman uncle who committed suicide by jumping down and splashing the floor with fresh, vomit-inducing smell of blood bright watermelon juice so I decided to run down all the way and go to the void deck which doesn't face that.. final destination.

Took a bus to work, all the way listening and repeating this song called "好朋友只是朋友". I felt like crying after I heard it and felt the same way the whole day at work today. Coincidentally, saw that he has graduated and my mind was exclaiming finally! in a good way. He's not planning to come back, I know.

His heart is elsewhere; on bigger things in life.

I remembered how I didn't like him the first time I saw him. He was popular and it wasn't a good thing to me. I always felt so stressful handling or befriending people like that. He was a gem and I guess many knew it - except me. Of course, when we finally talked and became fast friends everything fast-tracked. We were on the phone on a daily basis, talking about where we're going and what's the plan. It was like a friend's promise to another for so many years.

Everything was good until his popularity overshadow our friendship. People started to be close to me to get to him and it was so heartbreaking. I swear it was, except I found it a nuisance and didn't look at it the way it was supposed to be. I was the last to realize and though I've put it down I still find myself an idiot.

I started ignoring him. Then we drifted apart. Big... time.

We started contacting each other on and off and even so it was difficult for me to maintain my cool around him even though it was through the monitor screen. I don't know which is worst - the fact that I actually liked him for so many years and didn't realized it even when everyone else around me observed it or the fact that I didn't take any action even after I realized it because I'm such an eccentric weirdo.

Now that I'm listening to the song, I'm just thinking if time could rewind like the guy who traveled through time 9 times with the insane 9 stick of incense; I would go back to the time we met and properly introduce myself. I would not ignore him.

I would let him know; instead of letting my inferiority complex getting into the way and disabling my heart altogether.

I don't want to think back and rationalize my actions back then but I'm just thinking that maybe I was afraid of spoiling the soup and in the end I decided to let it be. Then I couldn't let it be because he was damn popular and girls actually asked me to pass present to him because they know we're close.. and my jealousy took over and irrationality took over; prompting me to ignore someone I didn't want to ignore.

GAWK. I still feel like burning all your pretty wrapped and scented presents now that I think of it. :[

Anyway, it's over and even so.. listening to this song hurts. I just wish I knew what to do back then.

越懂你陪著你就越寂寞
靈魂那麼美我卻碰不得
感覺再熾熱也不能讓飛蛾去撲火
靠近你的夢難道就能不失落


Adios with love,
The girl who had a retarded heart.