merry xmas

This year Xmas was great. Nothing fancy actually, just  dinner with the favorite girls on the eve and the whole evening with mom at the salon.

I had a rebond! lol!

Mom and I are obsessed with the 9pm show and while we’re watching the show with our dinner at the kopitiam, i casually brought up the topic of dad and how we’ll celebrate his birthday on christmas instead of his actual birth date and how everybody have their round, old-fashioned cake and he’d have nothing short of a christmas log cake.

It took me some courage to speak up because i really wanted to know how mom feels about dad now even though i know reunion is impossible. We all know having him back in our lives is not a good idea but our heart too sank whenever news of him is brought up.

It’s like, you want it but you know you can’t have it, no matter the reasons.

Christmas always make my heart sank because I’ll be missing him but every year it gets better. Especially this year.

I wish for more time to spend with mom. really :)

revelation.

I haven’t got any idea why I’ve been dreaming in my sleep lately. It’s been sometime since I dreamt what I’ll call a full episode dream and it’s been all happy, heartwarming in the dreams. Unlike any other in my old place but I guess we all know the reasons.

It’s really late now and I ought to be turning in but its not working out. Not tonight the least to say. I’ve been reading and turning the cards these 2 nights and it kinda taught me to keep the temperature down a little, up the patient factor and perhaps that’s the reason for the happy dreams.

I don’t know what’s worst; knowing your flaws or knowing you can do it but apparently, you’re not fulfilling it well.

This aside, I’m really apologetic towards the 2 birthday invitations that I’m unable to join in for. 1 month is a really short period of time and I need to utilize them to the fullest with all the project, school, preparation work going on.

Exasperating, isn’t it?

One welcome revelation tonight. I finally admitted and bow to the fact that I can’t give up easily. Be it a idea, an conviction, person or impressions. A merit and a flaw. Both.

“But I don’t wanna give up!”

“You don’t have to my lady, for the day will come when you’ll welcome the break to face the new world you’ve been resisting for weak reasons.”

“and what do that mean?”

“It means, my dear, that people give up at some point or another in their lives, willingly or not. You may feel sad, empty and even depressed over the loss but no one can be sad forever and you’ll pick yourself up and realize how beautiful the world’s really are. Leave your soul free, your shells untouched and then you’ll feel the wind calling you by their howlin’.”

holidays.. NOT!

It’s the 3 weeks holiday now but it doesn’t really seems like holiday due to the work we have to finish. Work aside, the past 2 days have been pretty much termed as “family day”.

We went grocery shopping, had home-cooked meals, played video games together and screaming at each other(in a fun way) when we lost and smiled so much we forgotten all the past grudges.

It’s so easy to be happy sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be planned or anything. Just simple words and gestures.

Work will resume tomorrow with us visiting the office to get some answers to the questions we have in mind and hopefully, the correct data will be given as promised by wednesday so we can hurry things up from there. Things have been dragging on and the timeline doesn’t seems to help when people are willing to go shopping on the day before they’re supposed to pass on the data and then msg to say that there’s lots to do and it hasn’t been done yet.

Don’t really know what to say.. You can’t get angry because people doesn’t understand what you’re angry about and thinks you’re the one with a problem.

Sometimes I think I should really just give up and stop trying so hard to keep us on track. What’s the point?

holidays.. NOT!

It’s the 3 weeks holiday now but it doesn’t really seems like holiday due to the work we have to finish. Work aside, the past 2 days have been pretty much termed as “family day”.

We went grocery shopping, had home-cooked meals, played video games together and screaming at each other(in a fun way) when we lost and smiled so much we forgotten all the past grudges.

It’s so easy to be happy sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be planned or anything. Just simple words and gestures.

Work will resume tomorrow with us visiting the office to get some answers to the questions we have in mind and hopefully, the correct data will be given as promised by wednesday so we can hurry things up from there. Things have been dragging on and the timeline doesn’t seems to help when people are willing to go shopping on the day before they’re supposed to pass on the data and then msg to say that there’s lots to do and it hasn’t been done yet.

Don’t really know what to say.. You can’t get angry because people doesn’t understand what you’re angry about and thinks you’re the one with a problem.

Sometimes I think I should really just give up and stop trying so hard to keep us on track. What’s the point?

The Story

I typed a whole 2000 words of essay about how I felt and I deleted it off. You know what? I thought I was complicated and perhaps mentally unsound but really I think I just need a little space to be myself. You are my friend but I am not your clone. I may be similar to you at times but majority of the time I have my own thinking. I know I don’t like something that’s why I’m not going for it.I know I’m not you that’s why I don’t like it  no matter how I try.

But why are you forcing me to like things I don’t like, hear things I can’t stand and then just because I’m different you’re having some opinions about it?

I’ve been thinking about how some friends are always there and how some are never there and then it dawn onto me that it’s because some friends accepted you for who you are and some they simply wants to convert you into their clone or ‘one of them’ which you’re probably not like.

Really, I just want to be simple and be someone I can accept myself for who I am and not so desperately trying to be someone you perceived to be.

I think that’s the biggest obstacle between our friendship.

 

Signing off,

Hope.

mixture of feelings.

When the most favorite class and the least favorite teacher comes together, you get me who’s pulling on a bored look during presentation and going crazy from laughing at stupid videos on YouTube.

Wore an old McDonalds’ boot in the laboratory today because I've forgotten about lab today and wore a slipper to school. It was fun actually but it was really heavy too and stuffy for the feet. Charles and I were the only ones wearing it and he was in bermuda so it looked like he’s a fishmonger or some sort of vendor that we can’t stop laughing at.

Oh and did I mention that one of the classmate sprayed like a fountain and spit his water on me because he was listening to the teacher and apparently so amused by her? I don’t really know what he was amused by though and yes, I’m a little irritated in class this afternoon.

I don’t wanna make a fuss out of it but if you don’t bother doing it, don’t give your words and end up wasting everybody’s time. What’s up with the attitude after that?

Sometimes I really can’t be bothered but at times too irritated. They just doesn’t seems to know how to assume some basic responsibilities and it sucks because on one hand you’re a friend and you’re trying to be nice but on the other, they just don’t care do they?

A sad news stopped all the anger inside though. But I’m not gonna blog about it here. Those in my friends list under the LJ blog will be able to view it. Right now I’m maintaining 2 blogs because one, it’s convenient with blogspot since I’m using a writer program and two, I really like LJ despite the fact that sometimes it doesn’t load as well as it should.

Right now I’m actually cramming for tomorrow’s econs test and i’m kinda worried. I’m hoping I’d do so much better than the previous 2 tests so it can pull up the grades significantly.

 

I’ve lost and I’ve learned

the sorrows all too real

when life seems to be an adventure

it may turned and flipped like an roller coaster.

when the time comes take my words and then be sure

all these will one day be over

when time heals the wound

and music replaces the silent

you’ll know.

Down Under 5 Billion Metres.

*It's ironic how I always manage to fill in the blanks here better than the one in livejournal. It almost feels like there's magic in here to make me blog naturally.*

I'm feeling really down and nothing seems to sooth the flow of anger, of whatever negative feelings inside. I don't think I'm ever good at describing these feelings. All I know is, I need a positive boost so that I can feel a little more confident, a little more happier and maybe just a little less sorry about myself.

It's when the self-esteem kicks in with a series of event that totally or at least partially cracks the ideal picture I had in me.

When I help people I expect them to be serious about helping themselves. But at least the ones that are making me cross that extra step. I gave the benefit of doubt but nothing seems to make them willing to work it out. I don't know what one would say about this, but I'm disappointed.

I'm even more disappointed when people lie to me. I mean, I know people lies. Nobody keeps to the no lying mantra but what's that about frequently coming up with a tale that's so much more taller than the big giant? Big foot would probably be crushed to death by this tale.

I'm giving up. I am on this verge that I feel nothing's worth it and even myself I feel very little worth in. I am angry, unhappy, grumpy and the switches are gonna blow off any moment in this sick body shell of mine.

Somebody save me please?

I'm demoralized. Like totally.